“A relationship can force us to revisit every feeling and memory in the legend of ourselves” – says David Richo in his book “How to be an Adult in Relationships”
Relationships we create in the therapy room are intentional. We create relationships we can experience and then look at the feelings that arise. We can only learn about ourselves in a lasting way if we experience ourselves in a wholesome, feeling, thinking, sensing way. Hence we create a setting where we relate to each other. If it is a dyad – in individual therapy, it is you and the therapist. If it is couples work – the two of you and the therapist; and if it is group therapy – you, others, and the therapist. Many relationships come to existence in these settings. The goal is to experience ourselves in candid honesty in the presence of others. Inevitably we will fall back into experiences we have felt before in our life. This time we can take the time and the space to slow down the reactions to each other and feel, sense, and think about our feelings as they arise. We will find that many familiar feelings bubble up. If we had created ways to avoid pain playing it safe in our everyday life when these painful or anxiety provoking, or depressing, or enraging feelings come up, we now have the opportunity not to automatically go to our habitual safe mechanisms. If there is enough safety in the therapy room we can let our underlying feelings linger and feel those feelings.
In a mindful way we can practice feeling, allowing and then letting go. Sometimes we grow enough self compassion towards existing painful feelings that our self-compassion will dissolve the feeling. Whatever happens, our legend, our habitual being and reactions can be slowed down and experienced. For this to happen you need to feel safe enough in the therapy room. This is what a therapist strives to provide. Safety to allow honest revealing.
